JOEL SEATON FBI AND MOHIT GOURISARIA AUSA — FUCK THE FEDS!
- MAXX WOLF
- Jun 16
- 3 min read
Updated: Jun 19
We’re the FBI, Who’s going to question us?
This is the story of Special Agent Joel Seaton of the FBI and Assistant United States Attorney Mohit Gourisaria, the AUSA Maxx Wolf says helped turn blurry footage, a fake ID, and federal arrogance into a shortcut that put him back in a cage.
Inside the FBI’s San Francisco office, the footage played again.
Blurry. Grainy. Weak.
A man moved through the rental office on the screen, caught by a security camera that looked like it had been installed by someone allergic to evidence. Same general height. Same rough build. Dark hair. A body shape close enough for lazy men who wanted a shortcut.
A female agent leaned closer to the monitor.
“That could be anyone,” she said. “You can’t make a positive ID from this.”
Special Agent Joel Seaton did not like that answer.
He stood behind her, arms folded, staring at the screen like anger could sharpen pixels.
On the table were still shots from the footage, the fake ID, rental paperwork, and enough federal forms to turn a bad guess into official truth.
“It looks like him,” Seaton said.
“Looks like is not a positive ID,” she answered. “This is FBI 101.
Check the timeline.
Check the car.
Check the witnesses.
Check who actually walked into the office.”
Seaton’s jaw tightened.
“Eliot Ness would be turning in his grave,” she added. “This is terrible work.”
Seaton looked at her like she had committed treason.
“We have enough.”
“Enough for what?”
“For the violation,” Seaton said. “For the warrant. For the bail revocation.”
That was the moment the shortcut became the case.
The FBI did not want the truth.
They wanted the conclusion.
They wanted Maxx back in a cage, and Joel Seaton was not about to let bad video, a questionable fake ID, or basic detective work get in the way of a clean federal narrative.
The female agent looked back at the monitor.
“Same build, maybe. Same hair, maybe. But this does not prove it’s him.”
Seaton gave a thin little smile.
“Who’s going to question us?”
She said nothing.
“We’re the FBI,” he said. “We call it a positive ID, it becomes a positive ID.”
Then he tapped the still image.
“Same profile.
Same build.
Same hair.
Same arrogant way of carrying himself.”
“That is not science,” she said.
“No,” Seaton replied. “It’s judgment.”
Then his voice lowered.
“And besides, I hate that cocky son of a bitch.”
There it was.
Not investigation.
Not truth.
Not justice.
Personal contempt wearing a badge.
Seaton picked up the phone.
A few minutes later, Assistant United States Attorney Mohit Gourisaria was on the line.
Mohit did not sound cautious. He sounded eager.
“So you have him?” Mohit asked.
“We have enough,” Seaton said.
“Positive ID?”
“Positive enough.”
There was a pause, then Mohit gave the answer the machine needed.
“Send it over. I’ll sign off. Let’s move.”
Just like that, the garbage footage got a sponsor.
The fake ID, the blurry video, the lazy assumptions, the million-dollar ego, the federal pressure, the AUSA hunger for a win — all of it fused into one beautiful little act of bureaucratic violence.
The female agent tried one last time.
“What if it’s Brian Cooper Dill?”
Seaton looked at the screen.
“It’s not.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I said so.”
And that was the Federal Bureau of Idiots at full speed.
The answer had already been written. The paperwork only needed to catch up.
“Put it in the memo,” Seaton said. “Subject positively identified based on totality of circumstances.”
Then he closed the file.
“Revoke his bail immediately”
And just like that, garbage footage became federal certainty.
FUCK THE FEDS
FUCK JOEL SEATON FBI
FUCK MOHIT GOURISARIA AUSA
AND NO FUCKING JUSTICE FOR ALL
Editorial Note:
This article is satire, opinion, personal commentary, reconstructed narrative, and dramatic interpretation based on Maxx Wolf’s account, investigative materials, records, documents, timelines, photographs, court-related materials, and recollection of events.
References to Joel Seaton, Mohit Gourisaria, the FBI, the AUSA’s office, Brian Cooper Dill, blurry security footage, fake identification, positive identification, bail revocation, federal decision-making, and related conduct are presented as Maxx Wolf’s account, commentary, allegation, and interpretation of events.
Certain FBI-office and AUSA dialogue is reconstructed for dramatic and satirical effect based on Maxx Wolf’s account, investigative materials, records, and interpretation of events. It is not presented as an official transcript unless specifically identified as such.
This article is not a court finding, formal legal adjudication, or official government conclusion. It does not encourage threats, violence, harassment, stalking, intimidation, doxxing, financial interference, or contact with any person, office, agency, business, or entity mentioned.
The record is the record.
The commentary is Maxx Wolf’s.
The public can decide.
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